Thursday, March 12, 2015

Sometimes, This is How I Think Our Conversations With God Go: A One-Act Play

(I may also be running entirely on caffeine and snarkiness by this point in the late afternoon.  You have been warned. -E.A.)

GOD: I am lonely with nobody I can converse with.  The aardvark's tongue is pretty awesome, but I must say I didn't create it with pontificating in mind.

*GOD creates humankind in His image.  Because He's God and God is awesome like that.*

GOD: Ta da!

ADAM: What's the quickest way I can screw up this totally awesome situation?

GOD: Dude...c'mon.

*ADAM eats the effing apple, throws his wife under the bus, and gets the universe's first-ever eviction notice*

GOD: So much for the good conversations with my crowning creation.  Three chapters into Scripture, and I'm already the bad cop.

ADAM: Sorry, bro.

*Fast-forward who knows how many years to the present day--we ain't young earth creationists over here at the Project, after all*

GOD: Love me before other gods and be good to one another.

HUMANITY (COLLECTIVELY): We don't want to.

GOD: Dudes...c'mon.

*HUMANITY creates idols, worships them, and treats each other like crap on a stick*

GOD: All of you suck.

HUMANITY (INDIVIDUALLY): Hey, I don't suck, it's all of (insert other denomination/religion/tin foil hat cult) who suck.

GOD: No, all of you suck.  Why do you think I sent you Jesus to begin with?

HUMANITY: Because we suck?

GOD: Damn right.  But guess what? I love you morons anyways.

HUMANITY: That's a relief, because we bloody hate each other.

GOD: Well, stop hating each other.  It's not that difficult.

HUMANITY: We don't want to.

GOD: You sure?

*HUMANITY thinks for a moment*

HUMANITY: Yeah, we're pretty sure.  Because each of us knows better than the other, and deep down, we actually think we know better than you, big guy.

GOD: LOL, that's funny.  You remember that I created you lot, right?  Fearfully and wonderfully made?  Yeah, that was me making you, toolbags.  Try not to destroy what I've lovingly and miraculously created, will ya?

HUMANITY: Too late, boss.

GOD: Please?  Wait, I don't even know why I'm begging you, you're the ones who should be pleading with me.

HUMANITY: We can plead with you for stuff?  Sweet, we'd each like a pony, a winning lottery ticket, and enough FunYuns to make ourselves sick.

GOD: Try asking me for something a bit more weightier.  How about ending violence, or hunger, or homelessness?  Any of those strike your fancy?

HUMANITY: Not as much as a pony.

GOD: All of you suck.

HUMANITY: So you're not going to give us each a pony?

GOD: No, you idiots.

HUMANITY: Well, we're going to pretend you're going to give us that pony after we die, and kill anyone who disagrees with us about that.

*HUMANITY proceeds to kill itself over and over again because it can't agree with itself on anything*

GOD: Dudes...c'mon.

JESUS: What did you expect, Dad?  Look at what they did to me, remember?

*Jesus shows God His stigmata and side wounds.  Thomas the Apostle rushes over to touch them, is reassured that Jesus is still real.*

GOD: Whaddaya think, son?  Ready to go back a second time?

JESUS: I am, but I don't think they are.

GOD: Dude...c'mon.

JESUS: Sorry.

*JESUS exits to go catch up on episodes of Doctor Who*

GOD: So now I'm back to square one.  Why didn't I make an aardvark that could talk way back during Genesis?

In a perfect world, God would be played by the voice of a resurrected Anne Bancroft, and humanity would be collectively played by Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in character as Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.

Alas, we live in no such perfect world.

Yours in Christ,

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