Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Are Top Ten Lists Overdone Yet?

...because I sure hope not! (although, sorry, David Letterman, because they probably are.)

Why do I hope the ubiquitous Top Ten list hasn't quite jumped the Fonzie-hurdled shark yet?  (If you don't get the reference, click here.)

Because the Longview, Washington (the town my parish is in) City Council, in one meeting, both approved a six-month moratorium on applications for new homeless shelters (of which there were none pending to begin with) and voted to spend $180,000 on new facilities to house the golf carts at the Mint Valley golf course.

You read that right: a ban on housing homeless people, hundreds of thousands of dollars for housing golf carts.

If there is a more painfully accurate encapsulation of the priorities of 21st century America, I have yet to find it.  How fortunate of me, I suppose, to have it crash-land itself in my own proverbial backyard instead.

While I've written a letter to the editor of the local paper strongly criticizing this pair of decisions by the council, I'm still full of plenty of piss n' vinegar (surprise, surprise), so I figured I would take another delightfully iconic bit of Americana--the Top 10 list--and use it to get out all my feels over this bankrupt morality.

So, I give to you...The Top Ten Things My City Council Would Rather Pay To House Than Actual, Living, Breathing People.  Buckle up, ladies and germs, this gets nonsensical in a big darn hurry.

10. Golf carts, obv

Please don't drive with your hands folded behind your head.  Image courtesy of Flickr

9. Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubemen

They all look so happy now that they have a home...see those smiles?  Image courtesy of wikia

8. Honey Badgers

Image courtesy of honeybadger.com (yes, such a site apparently exists.  Because of course it does.)

7. ET (who was just a puppet anyways, so get over it)

ET phone golf cart home...image courtesy of genius.com

6. The printer that got the crap kicked out of it in Office Space

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.  It'd feel better with a golf cart.  Image courtesy of flickr.com

5. Unicorns

Though I must admit, if they do truly poop ice cream, I'd house 'em too.  Image courtesy of ufunk.net

4. Whatever the hell that villainous cloud-thing was in that godawful Green Lantern movie

In brightest day, in blackest night, our homeless must continue their plight.  Image courtesy of wikia

3. Grumpy Cat

He won't be grateful, but lets be honest--would any cat be?  Image courtesy of businessinsider.com

3. The Teletubbies

Except for Dipsy.  That dillweed can sleep outside with everyone else.  Long live Tinky Winky.  Image courtesy of cbc.ca

2. Left Shark

Because an awkwardly dancing Great White shark deserves to live forever.  Image courtesy of artlawreport.com

And the number one thing that my city council would rather house than actual people is...

Image courtesy of wikia

Jar Jar Binks.  Because the Longview City Council would rather house the most annoying, arguably racist, Star Wars character who did more than even the invention of midichlorians to ruin The Phantom Menace...than people.

Did making this top 10 list work for me?  Nope, I'm still upset.

Oh well.

It was worth a try.

I hope you enjoyed the ravings of a lunatic pastor and I pray that they may have sparked within you a greater sympathy for our shelterless brothers and sisters in Christ.  For as Proverbs 19 states, whosoever is kind to the needy honors God.

Yours in Christ,


  1. Nice rant Eric, straight from Wahoo. I do hope there was some logic, hidden or otherwise, to the city council's decision on the shelters (for people, not carts), otherwise, if nothing else, the council are masters of poor optics.

    1. Thanks, Kelly! In truth I worry that the city council really does live in a bubble because this is but one in a series of genuinely tone-deaf decisions and statements they have made this year, and if I were registered to vote in Longview, I would be seriously interested in whoever may be challenging them in their next elections.