Dear live-in butler,
We know you don't think we follow your human "news."
But we do.
When one has invested as heavily in commodities...and understand, by "commodities," we mean "chew toys" as we have, you'll understand why we prefer to read the newspaper instead of peeing on it.
And reading the newspaper...holy batdog, you guys are acting wackier than we do when the garbage man shows up (you're welcome, by the way, for our protection of you from his clearly nefarious purposes).
When did that human bully stick all of the sudden become the frontrunner for president? (Yes, "frontrunner" is a big word for us. Be proud.) And why?
We've learned a lot ever since you trained us to "sit," "stay," and "don't eat that!" So, we want to know if you'd be open to learning a few commands yourselves.
If you successfully obey "Love other people," you get a biscuit.
If you can successfully pull of "Even if they're Muslim/Hispanic/African-American/Jewish/not WASP," you'll get another biscuit.
And if you can successfully come when called out of the voting booth before voting for the human bully stick with onion cotton candy for fur, you'll get yet another biscuit.
Understand, of course, that you'll have to give yourselves the biscuits. We lack the height and the opposable thumbs.
But we want to share those treats with you for being good.
Really, it is the least we can do. You let us into your house--and stay there--even though we (mostly Henry) puke on everything, we (mostly Henry) hump every blankie, and we (okay, mostly Frida) steal all of your socks.
And yet, I hear you people want to keep other people out of your home, your country, because you somehow think they'll do what we do--either ruin or steal your stuff.
The funny thing is, the vast majority of them don't do any of that.
And you love us.
So why don't you love them as well?
These are people we are talking about after all. People and families and households. Just like us.
Maybe it's because we don't see as many colors as you do, but we just don't get you and your obsession for people who don't look like you. Really, you should be much more concerned with people whose butts smell differently than yours, but apparently, that's just not how your unevolved species does things. Your loss.
But trust us when we say you just cannot let yourselves see each other negatively over how differently you look or dress or talk. Heck, we talk differently from each other, yet the only words you seem to be able to come up with to represent our equally dignified dialects are "ruff," "woof," and "bow wow." That last one doesn't even sound like either of us, and frankly, we find that offensive.
But that's a bone to pick for another time. Preferably after you've given us a couple of bones for us to pick.
For now, we'll settle for you loving each other the way you love us before we get to postcolonial canine communication or somesuch. After all, as you certainly learned when you tried to teach us to come when called (lol), training takes time.
So take the time this year to ask if it is really worth it to so clearly and unequivocally (another big word for us!) communicate with your presidential vote how unloving you can be. Not to us--we're just dogs. But to each other.
Because even though we clearly matter most, you matter too. Or so we believe.
Now if you'll excuse us, we've got an urgent appointment to keep with a certain sunbeam while you gently scratch our tummies and tell us how cute we are.
Dame Frida Koala and Sir Henry Wiggly
Dame Frida Koala (the fluffy white one) and Sir Henry Wiggly (the perked-up brown-and-white one) are the bestest dogs in the whole world. Their dad would like to emphasize that even before their strong words to him in this letter, he never had any intention, ever, of voting for one Donald J. Trump.