Struggling With Forgiving

Every July, I used to get up ridiculously early to watch the Tour de France be broadcast live on OLN (later the Versus network).  The rents--especially my dad--teased me for it, saying, "All they do is pedal!" and after commercial breaks, "Wow, they're still pedaling!"

But I loved it.  I enjoyed learning the strategy of something that is, on the surface, solo (a bike ride) be treated as a team sport.  Being able to watch it live meant an awful lot to me.

So...it's personal.

But I also lost both of my grandmothers within a year of each other to cancer.

It's personal.

My mother had a double mastectomy in 2006 to pre-emptively ward off the very beginnings of breast cancer.

It's personal.

I feel like my faith and trust were used by someone who, while doing fantastic work for cancer victims worldwide, also perpetrated one of the most systematic frauds known to sports.  And in doing so, my faith in other people...I have to admit, it has taken a hit.

And tonight, the come-clean interview (I'm not sure it qualifies as a mea culpa just yet) of Lance Armstrong by Oprah Winfrey sees the light of day.

It comes at a time when I am not exactly at my most forgiving.

I get the forgiveness comes with the job description of being a Christian, and of being a pastor: "How many times must I forgive my neighbor?  As many as seven times?"  "No, but seventy times seven," said Christ.

But I also have no capacity to forgive for wrongs done to more than just me--and by this point, Lance Armstrong's bullying of his detractors is extremely well-documented.

But it isn't just that.

It's everyone who has been affected by cancer--who has suffered it themselves, or suffered alongside a loved one with cancer.

I cannot forgive things done to them.

I think we tend to see forgiveness as being facilitated by remorse or contrition--someone says they are sorry and means it, and the other person accepts the apology and forgives them.

I will admit that my own quest to forgive a cheat and fraud who inspired the world would probably be helped if he does, in fact, express remorse in his interview tonight.  To be honest, I do not have faith that he will--all of this smacks of someone who is sorry not for cheating, but for getting caught cheating.  Still, I hope to be proven wrong.

But in the end, none of that is necessary.

Nor should it be necessary.

Because it would mean I am still defining myself and my actions by someone else and their actions.

Whether I forgive wrongs done to me is a decision in my keeping alone.

And that is as it should be.

And so I struggle with forgiving.

How very Christian--and very un-Christlike--of me.  Broken, finite, human, Christian me.

Yours in Christ,
Eric